Panic attack, much?

I have 39 days left here in Hawaii.  My every breath is counting the milliseconds until I fly out.  I've been waiting for this day to arrive and to think that I used to be looking forward to this day because it meant that I would be going back to my husband, but flashback a year and half and my world got turned upside down.  I'm happy to be going back to San Diego.  As a duty station location, it's awesome and I'm close to my parents.  This place holds so many bad memories.  Yeah, it's Hawaii, it's beautiful, the weather is great, the ocean is blue and everytime I go out, I'm reminded of being abandoned.  I've secluded myself from what Hawaii had to offer and what I could have become.  It's definitely time for me to go so I can finally end this chapter, start a new one, build a bridge so I can get over this ocean of tears I've cried.  I've made huge progress since the "ordeal", but it's amazing how quickly it felt like yesterday when faced with matters of the heart.  I, in no way, miss or want to be with my ex husband, but fuck, man.  When is someone going to take a chance on me?  I sometimes put myself out there and the first sign that it might not be mutual, I run.  Other times, I put myself out there and I'm left standing alone.  Such is life.  I'm a hopeless romatic, so fuck off.  I believe in love.  That's just who I am.