Last thoughts before I end this chapter...

I really don't have much to say except that I'm pretty good at setting myself up for failure.  I give too much and I love without abandon.  I definitely need to change my so called "A" game, but not before I put up a nice new layer on my wall.  :D  I finally can end this chapter and start a new one.  I'm pretty excited about that.  Every new day is a new beginning, but changing the location will help a great deal.  I've been shown who is worth keeping in my life and who isn't.  Not going to lie, it makes me a little sad at my findings, but what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.  So along Hawaii.  Your beaches are beautiful, but that's all you got.  Ma-hey-lo.

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It's so much easier for you to pick up and move on
While I wait for you to make the same mistake
But I'm a fool for you and your sweet nothings.

You toss me aside everytime she promises you the world
But all you get is heartbreak and a taste of sadness
And who is always there to pick up the pieces?

I blend into the background of your perfect masterpiece
But I'm the focal point of your painting
Your blindness will be the demise of the world.

And now I'm the one making the same mistakes
But I'm a fool for you and your sweet nothings
And I can't seem to pick up and move on.

And everytime you toss me aside amongst shards of glass
I will still be there, bruised, battered and heartless
Because I'm mesmerized by your embrace.

But one day when she breaks your heart again
And you're left with pieces of a blackened heart
I won't be there to put it back together.

It will be much easier for me to pick up and move on
I can't wait for you to make the right mistake with me
You will be the fool who longs for my sweet nothings.

The Bet not Taken

When you look in the mirror, do you like what you see?
A crazy romantic who always believes.
A fool in your eyes, an angel to most,
But most days you're like an invisible ghost.
So willing to give, with nothing to gain,
And always the one left out in the rain.
Heart beating fast, true love on the rise,
But quickly subdued by fear and lies.
Always the bridesmaid, never the bride,
Makes ones soul dark and hollow inside.
Bitter and lonely and angry with hate,
Becoming a non believer in fate.
You look in the mirror to see what remains,
No heart, no soul, but a body in flames.

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When the day is done
And set in stone
He goes home happy
And she is alone

The sun is now set
Omitting the light
Where moments of silence
Await the night

Words now unspoken
"I love you's" no more
A piece of their heart
Now broke on the floor

Where did it go?
And what went wrong?
She felt it was right
But he knew all along

A chance that was taken
A fool in his eyes
Now he has become
The one she'll despise

When the day is done
And set in stone
She goes home happy
And he is alone.

Panic attack, much?

I have 39 days left here in Hawaii.  My every breath is counting the milliseconds until I fly out.  I've been waiting for this day to arrive and to think that I used to be looking forward to this day because it meant that I would be going back to my husband, but flashback a year and half and my world got turned upside down.  I'm happy to be going back to San Diego.  As a duty station location, it's awesome and I'm close to my parents.  This place holds so many bad memories.  Yeah, it's Hawaii, it's beautiful, the weather is great, the ocean is blue and everytime I go out, I'm reminded of being abandoned.  I've secluded myself from what Hawaii had to offer and what I could have become.  It's definitely time for me to go so I can finally end this chapter, start a new one, build a bridge so I can get over this ocean of tears I've cried.  I've made huge progress since the "ordeal", but it's amazing how quickly it felt like yesterday when faced with matters of the heart.  I, in no way, miss or want to be with my ex husband, but fuck, man.  When is someone going to take a chance on me?  I sometimes put myself out there and the first sign that it might not be mutual, I run.  Other times, I put myself out there and I'm left standing alone.  Such is life.  I'm a hopeless romatic, so fuck off.  I believe in love.  That's just who I am.